Friday, June 25, 2010

Revealed: The Curious Caper of the ContraBands! (Part One)

NoAngelPF's story:

One fine evening in early April, Adam’s drummer Longineu sent out a tweet:

“Longineu Parsons PO Box 64919 Los Angeles CA 90064”

Your Glamigos Anthrogeek and NoAngel, and our partner-in-future-crime DallasGlitters looked at each other (tricky, considering we live thousands of miles apart, but Twitter is magical!) and shrugged, before returning to our perusal of pre-Raphaelite poetry.

But the tweeting continued:

“send all mail to this pobox i will get it all” | “i am soo sad my ipod screen broke now i cant read it:(“ | “Longineu Parsons PO Box 64919 Los Angeles CA 90064” | “i will read and get it all” | “i love alien and predator,video games , pics, letters , music, movies, fan mail , clothes, lap tops” | “send whatever you want to send i will love it all” | “i cant wait to get another i phone so i can talk to all of you all the time again” | “yes i would love the i pad , i was just checking it out!!! i must get it!!!” | “it is an old ipod from 2005” | “Longineu Parsons PO Box 64919 Los Angeles CA 90064 send me your stuff i will read and get all fan mail and etc.....” | “its a big box so send away” | “you can send me anything and everything” | “try to keep it,pics,video games,lap top, ipod, watches,clothes,drum stuff,” | “im not begging, i dont care what you all send i will love it all and read all the fan mail” | “i dont care what you all send, it is from you, and i respect it all” | “send em” | “seriously we dont care what you all send we will read and love all that you send” | “that po box belongs to myself joan and falco and the rest of the band” | “you can sen longineu joan and falco mail here and even the rest of the band”

Okaaaaay. So apparently what we had here was one intrepid band member who thought he’d tickle the golden goose of the fandom, since said goose had laid a gilded egg in the form of a multi-thousand-dollar Apple Store gift card in the hands of Tommy Joe only days before.

Some eye-rolling and Twitter fun-poking at our friend Longineu ensued, but soon our evil minds began to churn out the beginnings of a real caper. LP clearly was looking for love in the form of durable goods. We searched our pockets and our souls, coming up empty on both counts. So what could we offer instead? Hey! How about the gorgeous wristbands that Dallas had ordered for us before the Fantasy Springs concert? The awesome, profane wristbands that U.S. manufacturers had refused to print, forcing us to turn to our friends in China, who had no such qualms. Not only were they awesome, but we had plenty of them left over, so we were in a generous mood…

Our caper was on, and we each had a role to play. My job was to compose a nice little letter. Here it is, after the jump, along with photographic evidence:


Dearest Longineu,

On behalf of the fans of the Planet Fierce Fan Forum (www.planetfierce.proboards.com), we would like to express our appreciation for the part you play in making Adam Fucking Lambert sound so fantastic at each performance. Your drumming is kick-ass, and we very much enjoy watching you onstage when we can tear our eyes away from Adam. (You are the skinny blonde dude, right?) Just kidding.

You can imagine our dismay when we read your recent tweets about your broken iPod! We were delighted, however, to hear that you are open to the idea of accepting gifts from fans! Also, you were kind enough to tweet a wish list, including: “iPad, video games, music, movies, clothes, and lap tops.” However, after careful review of this list, we have sadly come to the conclusion that these items are far beyond our means. While we are rich in the important things (love and all that shit,) all of our extra cash is socked away in a concert fund so that we may witness as many Adam Fucking Lambert performances as possible. I’m sure you understand.

After wracking our collective brain, we have come up with what we hope will be an acceptable gift for you, Adam, and the other band members. Namely, our Limited-Edition, custom-designed rubber contra-bands! They are so risqué that U.S. manufacturers refused to print them, forcing us to order them from our accommodating friends in China. But hey, all rock stars understand—fuck the rules, right?

Other so-called fans may send jewelry, electronic equipment, and other expensive stuff. We’re sure that you all agree that these items are just as impersonal as if we sent you a truckload of cold, hard cash. As you yourself tweeted, “i don’t care what you all send i will love it all (sic).” Well said, sir, and we take you at your word! Therefore, we hope you guys feel the love when you wear these gorgeous contra-bands.

As you can see from the enclosed photo, the contra-bands are highly prized by fashion-conscious rocker dudes (and are unisex, so rocker chicks love them too!) Monte is modeling the Winter/Spring style we gifted him in Vancouver.

We know that you must be thinking- “These are fantastic, but only 20 of these lovely items?” Rest assured, my dear sir, that this is only the beginning. Once the tour starts, more of these exclusive contra-bands will show up when you are least expecting them, sort of like those annoying garden gnomes! Except not annoying!

Please look for us at the next concert. We’ll be the ones ringing a cowbell next to a big purple kettle, taking up a collection so that we can send you guys more stuff.

Kisses and hugs,
Your devoted fans,
Twitter @DallasGlitters @anthrogeekPF and @NoAngelPF
Planet Fierce: Dallas, Anthrogeek, NoAngel


For what happened next, check out Anthro's post!


8 comments:

  1. Hahahaha!! Awesome story!! Where the hell was I in all of this?

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  2. This is fucking hilarious. OK, gotta find out what happens next!!

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  3. Can't believe LP tweeted all that. Excellent seizing the moment. Great story!!

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  4. OK, I have to go and check LP's Twitter. You guys are SO side-splitting. Looking forward to the next installment.

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  5. Ya'll are hilrious. I love this!! Followed him right down the rabbit hole, din't you?

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  6. Awesome guys! I've attened 5 glamnations, and have 5 more booked so far.It IS an awesome Adam summer...Love the story!

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  7. Hysterical!
    I still have tears in my eyes from laughing.
    Seriously!
    You made my night-
    Vicki
    PF

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